Memories

Today I just need to ramble. To Feel as if there is someone out there that is listening to the ramblings of a mad woman.

This week in history I take a time machine trip to 5 years ago, regardless if I try to or not. Why? I don't know. But I would rather remember it accurately than to forget. I will never forget.

Five years ago today I was watching my son sleep, and begging him to wake up and be co-hearent.  Watching my mother have a complete break down, when he couldn't wake up and tell her he loves her, one more time. Seeing his eyes flutter when his best friend since Kindergarten walked in, took his hand, and said "Hey buddy", while trying to not cry at the sight he was seeing.  That moment is seared into my memory bank. The joy that caused Chaser to open his eyes and finally say "Did you see my puppy?", after sleeping for 12 hours. Those two boys, holding hands, laying in a hospital bed, acting like it was the most natural thing in the world for them to do, was priceless.

I kept a journal from the moment I learned I was pregnant, in hopes to give it to him one day,  until those last few days.. March 8th was my last entry.  

"Tonight, Karissa and Trina are sleeping in here with us. They have fallen asleep but I can't stop watching you. Just watching you breathe. We only have a few days left they say. So I can't stop looking at you. We woke you up during our slumber party and Karissa asked if you wanted them to go out. You said, "No, you just wanted everyone here with you." So after everyone fell asleep, I pulled my chair up here beside you, where I am now, so I can just hold your hand and watch you. Your "smell" is changing. Your dad says I am crazy, but I can tell. You always smelled like little boy, fresh from outside, and sweet. But it is fading. Just like you. More and more everyday.    How do I let you go? How do I set here every night refusing to sleep for fear of missing one precious minute with you? Knowing that day is quickly coming when I have to say goodbye. THey said you wouldn't make it through the weekend. That's tomorrow. Well, actually today, it is already morning.  I can't breathe watching to see if you take another one. How do I stay strong for you when my heart is leaving with you?"

Shortly after this, I made my way back over to our shared couch bed and before falling asleep heard crying. It was a nurse sitting on the floor by his bed, holding his hand.  So I just sat on the other side  of her on the floor and held her other hand. She said I wasn't supposed to comfort them...and I told her, I didn't know how to not take care of everyone else first so she just needed to hush. :) 

Then 24 hours later as we were watching those last breaths, and being strong when all I wanted to do was scream and throw things...I still wasn't ready.

Chase's uncle came in the waiting room later, while the nurses were in calling the funeral home, etc, and said the Doctor looked like he needed someone to talk to.  So up I jumped and I walked right into the Dr's lounge..me and my daddy... and Dr, McDreamy :) was sitting there  silently crying. He turned to me and said "I wanted to save him". I sat and pulled this grown man into my lap and comforted him and my daddy just bear hugged us both.., and he kept crying and saying "I can't sign it...I can't sign it..."   and that would be the death certificate that was sitting on the table.  I knew what it was - but I couldn't look at it.

Today, I called my mom and said I was ready. I was ready to see the death certificate and the pictures from the funeral. She gave them to me this afternoon. Imagine my surprise when I saw that Dr. McDreamy still didn't/couldn't sign that death certificate.   He had someone else do it. So that was a little something that made me smile. A Doctor, who loved my son so much, couldn't face that he was gone.

So much beautiful from the day of the funeral that I have forgotten that came crashing back to me once I saw the pictures. . Uncle Barry releasing the two doves - How they circled the grave 3 perfect circles before flying away. The little pall "bears" (as Chaser use to call them)  standing there in their Preds jerseys. The baseball flower arrangement. THe baseballs his coach and one teammate put in the casket.  I needed those good memories to maybe keep away the bad nightmares that always come this time of year, that have kept me awake the past week.   I guess we will see tonight.

THis year, after seeing all the people in these ramblings are gone, I can't be strong for anyone I do not think. For once I will admit I need someone to be strong  for me..  stop laughing...ok...I giggled too because we all know I will push you away and I wont let you. :)   Maybe one day my fears wont hold me back  of letting someone in without the fear of them leaving, again, but until then - knowing you are listening to my ramblings helped.  Lord knows I wouldn't have made it the past 5 years without my friends.

I am not saying I am Wonder Woman, I am just merely pointing out you have never seen us in the same room together. :)