But today is different. Today I need to write.
People say to me all the time - "I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a child."
It is a statement that I do not know how to respond to. Did I "LOSE" my child? Not really. Is he not here for me to hug and kiss and hear him say I love you mommy? Most definitely.
But I still say I have three children. So how do you "lose" a child? I do not think of him as lost, yet feel so lost with out him. I guess what was lost was the piece of him that helped to make up me.
Then yesterday, my little girl decided it was the day she was going to cut her hair for Locks Of Love. A big move on its own for so many reasons.
#1 she is doing her part at 5 years old to help not only cancer patients but other kids that have self esteem issues of not being the same as other kids for other medical reasons.
#2 It was her first big hair cut (more than a trim)
#3 It was going to be a big help in getting ready for school! She was such a bear when it came time to brush the long blond, naturally curly locks! But the problem was - it was too long, thick and heavy, so the curl only caused tangles. So every night before bed I had to brush and braid it to make sure we had a little bit of an easier morning the next day. She would still scream loud enough to wake the neighbors!
She tried once before to cut it and I cried. She stopped the proceeding then and refused to cut it so I wouldn't cry anymore. I just wasn't ready for my baby to take the first step in growing up!
Yesterday she warned me of crying before we got there. Taylor Swift is her hero - so I was afraid she would cut it and not have hair like Taylor's anymore and would be upset. Then she was such a big girl! She was so proud! She loved how soft her hair felt and couldn't wait to run to the mirror to see.
It was then - as I looked through my digital camera that I saw a ghost.
For what was once my beautiful blue eyed daughter - was now the face of Chase. And I remembered without a doubt the 'thing' what was lost.
That 'feeling' of being able to reach out and touch him. Remembering him without trying. His soft skin, quirky grin, the excitement that shined in is eyes. And I could reach right out again, and touch "him". A second chance that I thought was gone.
I've seen pictures where I could see the similarity of brother and sister. I've heard silly sayings that I could hear him saying when she says it. But never before has my breath caught and not be able to tear my eyes away.
I can't stop touching her. I can't stop looking at her.
I knew I missed it. I KNEW it. But I didn't KNOW it. Or I didn't allow myself to 100% completely feel it. I don't know which one. I do know last night after she fell asleep that I may have glimpsed inside the life of a drug addict. For I already craved to touch her/him again. I didn't want her out of my sight. I snuck into the room - Chase's room. I sat beside Chase's Predator's bed that she lay in and I simply watched her sleep. And for those few moments - or hours - I will not confess which :) - I could SEE him laying in his bed. Dreaming sweet dreams. Snoring. :) She looked so much like him, the reality and the past blurred and it felt so real.
When I read that - I am afraid its meaning may be misinterpreted. So for example say you are having a "me" day. You order your favorite take out food, rush home, get there just in time to watch your favorite TV show when it is nice and quiet, sit down, turn on the TV, your so excited because it so rare you get to do this and just before you can take your first bite - "ding dong" goes the door bell. It is a pushy, wont stop talking door to door salesman that you can't get rid of. When he finally leaves, you go back to sit down and your food is cold. You are still going to get pleasure from your food but you have to heat it up first. And by now your show is over and the kids are home. So the excitement of the moment is gone.
It is that roller coaster of high and low I guess is what I mean. Because I want to remember everything - high and low about him...but just once I would like to stay on the high. Without re-living the nightmare. That is a chore.
I know to some of you this may sound like the ramblings of a lunatic. But the Chase before cancer and the Chase after cancer blur that way a lot. Sometimes it is hard to remember Chase with hair - for it is the bald Chase that stares at me in my dreams. I want to remember both Chase's - WHEN I want to. So when I want to think about Chase happy and healthy, I don't want the little boy needing help learning how to walk creeping into my happy thoughts.But I think God designs us to only be able to think of the things we need to, WHEN we need to, to help us cope.
I think I got that just when I needed it. Just a little touch of "physical" that I needed to remind me that he really was here. He wasn't just a dream.
And now I have proof..because I get to look at it in the face of an Angel.
Funny how he did it through a little girl - trying to make her brother proud & wanting to help others. Turns out she actually helped her own mother the most.